Virginity : A Social & Cultural Concept.

How can you tell if someone is a virgin? Sounds like a trick question, doesn’t it? Let me simplify. Can you check virginity in a man? No right? We all know that there is no way to check if a man is a virgin or not. And probably no need. What about women? Can you check virginity in a woman? Yes? No? The hymen maybe? There is no straight answer to this question. It is a trick question.

But there’s one question we need to ask ourselves. Does it really matter?

Well, the truth is it does matter. It shouldn’t. But it does.

Here’s a question I want to ask.

If a little girl had been sexually assaulted...she would lose her dignity, self esteem, control over her own body, her childhood. Isn’t that enough?! Should she also go through the stigmatisation that she lost her virginity in a rape? Wow. How can you tell a rape survivor that she’s not a virgin anymore? (Just out of curiosity, would you consider a rape survivor not a virgin anymore?)

This is what is fascinating about virginity. As scientific or anatomical as some people want it to be, there is no medical definition for virginity. It is the society, cultures and religions that make up definitions.

Like everyone else, I too grew up believing that the hymen is a proof of virginity. Turns out, we are wrong. This is nothing but a story made up from myths. The truth has been known in the medical community for over a 100 years now. Yet somehow this myth still continues to make life difficult for women around the world.

Typically there’s two myths associated with virginity. One, about the blood. It is said that the hymen breaks and bleeds the first time a woman has vaginal sex. In other words, if there’s no blood on the sheets afterwards, the woman was simply not a virgin.

The second myth is a logical consequence of the first one. Since the hymen is expected to break and bleed, people also believe that it actually disappears. Or is altered in some way during a woman’s first intercourse. If these were true one would easily be able to determine if a woman is virgin or not. Did you know that women are forced through degrading virginity tests (mostly to get married)? In some countries doctors are even asked to examine the hymen of young girls to reassure their parents that their children are not ruined. Women are absolutely terrified about their wedding nights. What if she doesn’t bleed? Women are so afraid not to live up to the myths about the hymen that they choose to use different virginity quick fixes to assure a bleeding.

This is so much more than an anatomical misunderstanding. The myths about the hymen have lived on for centuries and it still does. It is said to have cultural significance. They have been used as a powerful tool in the effort to control a women’s sexuality in almost all cultures, religions and historical decades. Women are still mistrusted, shamed, harmed and in the worst cases subjected to honored killing if they don’t bleed on their wedding nights.

Now, how do you think these myths affect a girl’s mentality? Here’s the truth. Girls are afraid of ruining themselves either through sports, games and even use of tampons or menstrual cups. These myths have curtailed our opportunities and our freedom.

Here’s the deal. Some virgins bleed. Some simply don’t. Hence, the first myth shattered. The hymen is a thin membrane at the opening of the vagina. But it is nothing like a flat piece of tissue that covers the entire opening or something that bleeds when it breaks. It can be ring shape, half moon shape, one with multiple holes in it,etc. The hormones decide how it appears. Some hymens are so elastic that they can accommodate a baby without breaking. Researchers examined 36 pregnant women. They could find clear signs of penetrations in only 2 of them. Unless you believe in 34 cases of virgin births , we must agree that the second myth has also taken a vital blow. So you can be a mom and still look like a virgin. And some hymens are so fragile that even a simple activity like sports can damage it. And some women are born without a hymen. One out of two women in the world doesn't bleed their first time of hetrosexual intercourse. That’s a 50% chance of not bleeding and dishonoring your family(I am terrified too). Hymen is not a reliable proof of virginity.

Like I said, virginity is a cultural concept. Not a quality. If and when a person loses it depends on their definition of virginity. It is not a medical or anatomical condition to be checked. There is no sign of virginity in a man as there is none in a woman. Easy to say, not so easy to hear. Women have little control over their own bodies. Truth be told, fear is the quiet noise of a woman’s life.

You simply cannot look between a woman’s legs and read her sexual story. Like all the myths the hymen myths are also a lie. There is no virgin seal that magically disappears after sex. It is time we put an end to the “virginity” fraud. It is time we break the myths about the hymen once and for all. Of course it is not that simple. Sexual oppression of women comes from something much deeper than a simple anatomical misunderstanding about the properties of the hymen. It is a question of cultural and religious control of women’s sexuality. And that is much harder to change. But, we must try. Because the real change starts from there, from us. This is not a woman’s problem or a man’s fault. This is a social and cultural issue. What we really need is a cultural change. In that way we can remove one of the most powerful tools used to control young women today. We can all make the world a gender equal place. So I dare say:

1. No more virginity tests. It is practised all over the world and is requested the most in Europe. Virginity testing is a form of gender violence with no scientific foundation and medically it is harmful and unethical.

2. Let women have control over their own bodies once and for all. To the advertising and gaming industries, please stop telling women how we should look or to men how women are supposed to look. Because no one looks young and skinny all the time. And we are tired of feeling ashamed of our own bodies comparing ourselves to photoshopped women that don’t even exist.

3. Sex education. We need to teach our young generations that sex and relationships should not be based on control, power or possession.

So, if someone ask you how to tell if someone is a virgin or not, you know the answer right? “Just ask”.